Monday, December 17, 2007

Say it ain't so Chisel-chin Coulthard

Here at AmericanF1FanBlog we may slightly disdain NASCAR, but only because it is boring to us, not because we think rednecks are silly and corny (they *are* silly and corny -- but we love that about them, plus young redneck chicks are sometimes hot).

The thing is -- I find NASCAR boring for the same reasons that I find IRL and Champ Car boring, or dirt track racing, or horse racing, or indoor bicycle racing… I just cannot get into the go fast -- turn left oval racing format, despite all the high speeds and passing.

I certainly understand why some people prefer it -- clearly it does take a lot of driving skill to go that fast for that long in such close proximity to others.

There's no doubt that it takes a lot of engineering skill to make your car better than all the others since they are so innately similar (unlike F1). There is obviously a lot of strategy on the part of the crews, drivers and directors to plan pit stops and the like.

But, on a basic level, it just doesn't speak to me like F1 -- even though I'd agree with some NASCAR-loving types who complain that F1 doesn't have enough passing (I'm with that, bigtime) or parity (F the Tifosi is right!).

All that said, it has been truly interesting to see the reverse immigration going on from F1 to NASCAR.

Montoya was immediately relevant (especially on the road courses -- I've often wondered why NASCAR doesn't run a full time road racing series???), and my boy JV did himself admirably in his debut at Talladega (despite all the "rookie" concerns by other drivers).

And you could easily imagine why drivers who can't get an elusive seat in F1 decide to leap into the sport… there's a lot of money, a lot more chances to get on the grid, and it must still be a lot of fun to go around.

But I am not ready for this.

In this story we are told that His Majesty DC, the Scottish Seraph of racing, he of the granite chin that attracts women like a terrestrial body, will mull a move to NASCAR when he's done in F1.

Ach, no, say it ain't so! This man is far too noble a beast to end up wearing a Hooters T-Shirt and driving a Chevy. Good god, doesn't this man own a hotel in Monaco and make international supermodels wet their pants merely by looking at them?

This is David Coulthard we're talking about here! Not only is he my favorite driver for my favorite F1 team, but this is a guy who seems like he speaks 40 languages and hasn't ever eaten at a Shoney's buffet in his life. He is a Beluga caviar and Dom P. kind of guy, not Coke and McDonald's! (In fact maybe he prefers shepherd's pie and a pint, but he sure doesn't act like it.)

I suppose there is some fittingness to it as I know that Innes Ireland, another wonderfully colorful, classy Scots driver, turned wheel at the Daytona 500 near the end of his driving days.

But not DC. It just doesn't seem right. It'd be like Toyota running in NASCAR or something (oops).

I realize that I am making little tangible sense as to why he shouldn't do it (I certainly don't begrudge him the opportunity if Red Bull decides he's not the right man to have in their car and he wants to keep driving)… but it is such an affront to the cultured, rarified air of F1 that it strikes me as wholly inappropriate.

Would Mansel have ever raced NASCAR? Schumie? Moss? I think not (but then again, I'm not sure at all if any of them did at some point, we know that Super Mario did, but he's American so it doesn't count).

Seeing David Coulthard driving a big bloated sedan covered in cheeseburger ads around a ring would make me a very sad boy indeed. It would be like watching one of the aforementioned race horses pulling the Budweiser wagon. (although admittedly if RBR had fired him to make room for Alonso it might have hurt less, and you might not hear me whining…)

But, alas, I suppose it's not for me to say in the end…

Even so, I will beg ...please, please, don't do it DC! (but if you do, win!)

It will be the end of an era when DC's time in F1 is over.

Don't desecrate the memory by driving a car that's better fit as a taxi!


Mack Mosley said...

DC could bring an air of refinement to the shit kickin' world of Asscar. However, there are greater mysteries in the F1 universe. Like why is Michelle Yeoh married to Jean Toad????

Takuma Farto said...

That's easy: Because he never makes her Sakon his Yamamoto.

Although, I fear you may want DC to investigate your own personal Zsolt Baumgartner.